From Negative Chaos to Positive: The Colorful Way I Organized My Unique Mind

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It may sound crazy, but my mind now works like an organized lab. If you struggle with major depression, then you know that your thoughts can be a runaway greenhouse of negativity each day. And there was a time where my mind was just that.

Many have called me weird, bizarre, even confusing at times. I’m known to be all over the place and my life is not all that organized. But there’s one place where it’s essential for me to be organized. And that place is with managing my depression and anxiety.

I’ve used many cognitive thinking exercises to help me manage my thoughts over the past few years. And so far, I’ve managed to pull myself out of that negative cloud quicker than before.

However, there’s one technique that I didn’t expect. Something I was afraid to share with those around me out of fear of being judged as a strange person. Now I’m open to sharing it here with all of you.

Here’s my personal story about my unique way of managing my depression that I call my world within a world. And maybe it’ll help you create a version of your own.

The chaos of a depressive mind

As society starts to open up more about mental health awareness, there are terms that are starting to come to light. Two of those terms that you may have heard are demons and darkness. And if you’re unfamiliar with what these may be, they are terms that someone may use to describe their depression.

It’s usually associated with their negative thoughts and feelings. Growing up, there wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t have to face my demons. It was a constant tug of war between feeling sad or just giving up altogether.

I often felt like I lived in two separate worlds, reality and the one that lived within my mind. The thought of an organized mind of any kind was something I couldn’t imagine having.

Everyone has their own version of their darkness or demons. It could be in the form of a negative voice, a dark cloud, or a battlefield of thoughts.

Mines used to be a battlefield of thoughts. Each day I’d wake up, put on my armor and step out onto the field to battle the thousands of demon soldiers. And when I’d close my eyes at night, the fight would be over until the next day.

My dreams were the only place where I didn’t have to fight. But once I opened my eyes again, the war was back on.

See before I found help, my mind was filled with the worst possible thoughts I could think of myself. It was where I retreated to the most after being bullied or losing someone close. It was also where I held on to all the negativity surrounding me.

And that’s where my demons got stronger and I became weaker.

The world within my world then

If I had to describe what was going on in my mind during that time, it would be this big open field. There are no buildings, no people. Only dark purple grass, darken trees with no life, and a gray sky looming above.

On one side is a mile-long line of soldiers, all dressed in black armor, all on horses. And on the other side was little ol’ me, dressed in dark gray armor, sword in hand. There’s no backup, no one to stand beside me. Just me.

And without warning, this line charges. As they grow closer, I can see that their black armor is not armor at all. Rather every negative thought, feeling, taunt, the mean and hurtful thing that’s ever occurred to me surrounded by a skull.

They are strong. They are powerful. And they want nothing more than to push me off the edge of the cliff that we battle on. I’ve seen over that cliff many times before. Over that cliff is the end. A peaceful end where all the pain and suffering doesn’t exist anymore.

No matter how many of these demons I slay, they’re only replaced by more. Wanting and trying to surround me in their dark cloaks.

I’m a creative person at heart so as weird as it may sound to some, this is what my mind turned my fight against depression into. It was the only way it could comprehend what I was feeling and living with at that time.

And to me, it shows just how much of a struggle the mind could be for someone in my shoes. So you’re probably asking “do you still do battle in this field?” I can proudly say I don’t.

An organized mind lab is born

Today, my mind looks a lot different than that battlefield I spent so many years fighting in. After my work through therapy, I started to see a lot of things differently. The biggest thing was being able to see a positive outcome a lot more.

Therapy allowed me to begin the process of taking those negative experiences and change them into a different outcome. Now, while I expected to learn techniques that would help me manage my depression and anxiety better. But had no idea it would change the course of my thinking the way it did.

So the world within my world now

It wasn’t easy to undo over 20 years of negative thinking. While each day is still met with facing my demons, I’m no longer alone in my mind. And what once was a battlefield of negativity is now shut off. I now have a better structure to keep me on a more positive path.

When I sink into my mind these days, things are a lot more organized. I now enter into a lab and every time I’m greeted by a newer version of my conscience (Connie for short). Connie manages all the good and bad things I encounter daily. She’s my first in command to quickly turn those self-doubts and negative moments into something better.

As I walk through this lab, all that was chaos around me are now locked away in sections. My anxiety floats around the room like thought bubbles waiting to be challenged. Some are harmless at this point. The further I walk back, to my left is a metal caged, heavily padded. And in that cage is a dark red cloud that represents all my anger over the years.

Each time I’m in there, I stay far away from it. Like my demons, my anger is just as dangerous for me. Able to seep out through the holes within the cage from time to time, it’s a little more manageable than ever before.

What lies behind the steel door

I’d like to say that all my demons are well maintained and have disappeared. But unfortunately, that’s not the case. All the way to the back of this well-lit, metal bunker that’s well organized is a steel door. There’s no knob on it. No padlock or combination. No barricades or heavy-duty bolts.

It’s simply a heavy steel door. And what’s behind that door is that battlefield I once fought so hard on every day. It’s where I’d like to keep my darkness, my demons. It’s a door I try to stay very, very far away from. However, there are moments when it cracks open. But this time, I have other tools to help me close that door back.

Understanding my new organized mind

It’s amazing what a mind can create. In order for me to manage my mental health, my mind turned what once was a field of chaos into an organized bunker. Just like before, it made it into something it could comprehend better.

I guess it’s my way of saying to myself that I don’t have to give in to my demons. That I now have the proper tools to fight a fair battle. While I’m nowhere near being rid of my negative thoughts, I’ve seen a huge change since therapy. I can now fight off those darken cloaks with ammo of positive strikes.

I’ve been told that I have a very unique mind. I don’t know where it comes from and many don’t understand the bits and pieces I share from it. But this was my way to bring some order to no longer letting my depression and anxiety run my life but rather make it a manageable part of my life.

I wanted to share this look into my mind with others because I want to show that the mind is a powerful being. We all have our own movie, our own scene, our own world within a world inside our minds. We can take whatever we use to manage our mental health and turn it into an organized army against our negative thoughts.

It’s a creative way to face your darkness and changing the narrative. For me, it was about taking what I’d learned through getting help and building an inner support system. It showed that the darkness and demons that we face within don’t have to be the end-all.

And wow was this a huge relief on me mentally.

Conclusion

There’s no right or wrong way to visually see the organized chaos in your mind. I hope that sharing my interpretations may show others that managing a healthy mental state of mind can take on different forms.

It can be creative like mines or it could play out like an alternate universe. So as long as it helps you no longer struggle alone with those demons.

So, if you had to describe your mind, what would it look like (good or bad)? How do you think you’d interpret your organized mind, your world within a world? Feel free to share your interpretations in the comments down below. Like and share for others to see. And don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter for updates, features, and more.

Until next time, this is Tammy saying keep strong, keep positive. And NOTHING’s impossible!!!