A toxic friendship can happen at any age and the signs of your child going experiencing it may not always be seen right away. As adults, we’re better equipped to manage those relationships. However, as a nine-year-old, they may not understand the difference or how to get out of one. And as a parent, you want to protect them from anything that may harm them.
Yet you don’t want them to resent you for taking away a relationship that they may feel they benefit from having. Navigating through the fine lines of your child’s friendships can be tricky. So how can you determine if your child’s friendship is toxic?
Seeing the signs your child has a toxic friendship
We’ve all been through it as children. Finding that one friend we connect with and want to spend every day playing and hanging out together. And now it’s your child’s turn. They can’t wait to tell you about their new friend they just met. It’s a part of the developmental stages of a child, building meaningful relationships and establishing the skillset of socializing.
And as a parent, you’re both thrilled that they met someone new but also eager to learn more about them. You may find yourself analyzing their interactions when they play in the backyard together or picking them up from school—all good signs of being an active parent.
While a few things may throw you off, the friendship seems pretty solid. And you feel that it’s a good thing for your child. That’s the scenario that many parents hope for their children, especially those who may have some form of anxiety disorder or depression. And that’s the scenario that many parents get.
But when the signs become more frequent that something’s off, your parenting antenna may start to go up. So, what signs do you look for to determine whether your child has a toxic friendship?
Sign #1 – You notice their mood & behavior changes
Some of the biggest influencers on our kids are their friends. These are the relationships that help to mold their thoughts, feelings, and more. When it comes to a toxic friendship, you may notice that your child’s mood has changed.
They may show signs of anger, sadness, being a rebellion, and more. They may exhibit a lack of interest in the things they once enjoyed in favor of the interest of the toxic friend. You’ve noticed that they are going straight to their room after school or seeing this friend.
Or they’re quick to snap when you ask how their day was. Yes, our moods and behaviors change as we grow, and however, it’s the sudden change that you, as the parent, should be on the lookout for.
Sign #2 – There are moments of gaslighting or passive behavior going on
As difficult as it may be to think, some children can display narcissistic characteristics. They’re often insecure, and a coping mechanism for them would be to target an empathetic and kind-natured child. Some other signs sparking a fight between others or an argument can distort what a child says, making the other child the aggressor.
They can begin to embed negative comments in another child’s mind and use bullying tendencies, all the while making sure that others see themselves as a good child. And this can cause mental issues within your child, such as depression, insecurity, low self-esteem, and in severe cases, self-harm.
“It’s one of a parent’s worst fears: A child’s friend suddenly seems to have control of their child’s mental health.”
– Dr. Leonard”
They tend to feed off of causing havoc while sitting back and watching the result. Often, this works as a benefit for them because it boosts their self-esteem and keeps their friend in a continuous cycle of mistreatment.
“These children can be discreet about the psychological war they wage. Sweet to their victim in the presence of adults and teachers, they may wait patiently to do their dirty work behind closed doors.”
– Dr. Leonard
Sign #3 – There’s an unbalance of treatment
A good friendship is met with positive behavior from both ends. They’re encouraging, trustworthy, caring, and empowering. But a toxic friendship can be unbalanced and unhealthy. Often, we hear the stories from parents or witness it ourselves, a child who takes on the responsibility of catering to their friend’s needs.
Making sure to do everything while their friend sits back, offering to give up their possessions in exchange for their continued friendship. Toxic friends can even discourage a child from interacting with other children or friends, and they use friendship to isolate a child while getting them to dedicate their time strictly to them. If you’re starting to notice your child is always putting their toxic friend first, then it’s time to talk.
Sign # 4 – Your child spends more time with them and not their other friends
Sometimes noticing your child spending more time with their best friend over other friends doesn’t spark alarms. But if you’ve seen that this friend exhibits some or all of the above traits, then this could throw up a red flag.
In friend groups, you may see your child bring other friends around less or suddenly end long-term friendships in favor of their toxic friend. They can heavily influence who should and shouldn’t be around your child. In some cases, it even causes a rift between longtime friends and demands a child to choose.
These signs can spark concern in any parent. And while the first thing you want to do is yell and say, “you’re no longer seeing that friend again,” there are some ways you can try to support your child.
Supporting your child after signs of a toxic friendship
The friendships that your child develops are vital to them and you as a parent. These are the people who will help build the social skills and interactions that we learn at an early age.
So, when it comes to witnessing your child in a relationship with a toxic friend, the first thing you want to do is abruptly end it. While it may sound ideal to be the hero and demand your child stay away from this friend, it can affect their mental health.
Instead, here are some settled, healthier ways to consider when you’ve witnessed the signs of your child going through a toxic friendship.
1. Listen to your child when they talk about their friend
One of the best things you could do as a parent in these situations is to listen. Listen to how your child talks about their friend after they’ve spent time together. By listening, you get to observe for yourself their demeanor, the words they use, and any issues they may have.
Be sure to follow up with questions about the conversation. Make it a comfortable environment for them to open up, with them doing most of the talking. In a way, you’re acting like an investigator because you want to gather information to determine if the friendship needs some boundaries set or needs to end.
2. Have a sit down with the friend and their parents
If your concerns are enough to alarm you about your child’s friendship, inviting them and their parents over could also settle the relationship. Sometimes inviting the parents to an open conversation about the friendship can help get to the bottom of things and determine what could be done on both parties’ ends.
Inviting them to lunch or dinner sets an environment of not feeling ambushed. Although you have strong concerns about their child’s behavior, it doesn’t have to be a fight. Use the opportunity to ask questions about the friendship as a whole and slide in some of your concerns.
A lot of the time, we can tell by the attitude of other parents how they view their children. And be prepared for the outcome to go a different way than you expected. Having a sit down with them could assess what to do next.
3. Encourage them to do more with other friends
With some toxic friendships, you may notice that your child spends more time with one friend than the others. This is different from friends who encourage a balance in the relationship. If you’ve witnessed a few times that your child has taken a strong interest in doing for and spending all their time with one friend, this could be a sign of an unhealthy friendship.
Encourage your child to spend more time with their other friends without yelling or demanding. Maybe sit down with them and map out a friend’s schedule. Schedule playdates, hangouts or invites to events with other friends. Turn it into a fun project rather than a chore. This way, there’s a fair amount of time being spent with everyone, and they won’t feel as though they’re doing something wrong.
Spending that time with others more will start to break that grip of the unhealthy friendship. If you find that this is their only friend, and they haven’t quite mastered making other friends, it doesn’t hurt to suggest group activities where they can discover like-minded kids. Find a group or activity they’re willing to try and attend a few with them.
4. Set healthy boundaries between your child and their friend
Setting boundaries aren’t a terrible thing. We’ve all had curfews growing up. And as much as we hated them in our teen years, it was simply a part of life during adolescence. By setting healthy boundaries for your child and their friend, you’re adding a limitation.
Setting a curfew for after school or limiting hangout time to just the weekends can build a structure. Your child is not confined to just one person because they have to manage their time now. It also can help your child understand their own boundaries. Maybe give them insight on what they want in a friendship even at their age.
Also, don’t be afraid to talk to your child about the boundaries you set for them and why they’re in place.
Conclusion
There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child, including the friendships they build. Understanding the signs, when to intervene, and what to do can help determine a toxic friend and teach your child in the process.
Do you agree with some of the signs? Have you noticed your child exhibiting some of these signs? Share your experiences guiding your child through these friendships in the comments below.
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Until next time, this is Tammy saying keep strong, keep positive. And NOTHING’s s Impossible!!!
This is something I’m definitely not ready for, my children are still very young but I definitely know the consequences of toxic friendships and relationships. This post was so helpful in understanding and what you can do to help! Thank you for sharing
Thank you so much, Amanda. Sadly there’s no set rules for raising children but the more different scenarios occur in life, the more we’re able to find solutions. And we can also reflect on our own experiences. So glad you were able to take something away from it 🙂
Very good points! It is so important to pay attention to who your child spends time with and how they behave while they are with them and afterward. If something seems off, it is necessary to address it as soon as possible.
Thank you very much, Heidi 🙂
This is a great post. I wish this post was around when I was a child. This post will help so many people. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much, Charlotte 🙂