Tough Love and Self Love Journey: Meeting Myself for the First Time

When thinking of starting a journey, I can’t lie. It’s scary in the beginning. You don’t know where to start and when you finally figure it out, the self-doubt starts to kick in. Yet if you never start it, then you’ll never know what could happen.

There are many reasons for starting one. It could be career growth, family growth, lifestyle. Or if you’re like me, a journey to find yourself. Discovering your true self is something that few people take because they are either living their truth or never really wanted to.

It’s time for me to make a real change in life

It’s no secret to me, but it has been to those around me how bad I’ve felt the past year. Secretly dealing with my depression has taken a toll on me in ways I can’t explain. And when you start to show signs of feeling like a living zombie again, that’s when you know it’s time for a change.

Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. For the first time in years, I don’t have anyone to take care of (elderly). I don’t have anyone’s rules to follow, and I feel a sense of being free. Still, I have no direction in life. This year I’ll be 44 years old. I’ve spent twenty years in an endless cycle of failure, feeling trapped and not knowing exactly who I am.

So, when this year started, something in my mind clicked, and I knew it was time for a real change. I wish someone would’ve told me growing up that being an adult and finding your place in the world is hard. But finding who you really are after years of burying your true self deep inside is even harder.

For so long, I’ve been disappointed in myself. The dreams that I saw as a child while playing in my room with my Barbies never saw the light of day. Well, one did. I received my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. And that was a great accomplishment for me. Still, it was short-lived.

After some deep thinking and fear of returning to what I once was many years ago, I finally realized it was time for a change.

And making a change means facing the shell of myself

I’ve lived with the shell of myself for all my childhood and the majority of my adult life. While it may seem like I love myself, sadly, I do not, and I don’t think I ever have. And starting this journey and making this change means I have to face the things that stop me from getting to know the real me.

Getting to know what I’m really like when I step outside of my shell. I would be able to enjoy my own company and no longer be sad or jealous of those around me, who have taken advantage of what the world has to offer. When I find my place in this world because I accept myself for who I am.

It’s funny how your past can dictate your future. Some people see their vision from the beginning, while others take time. And some never see it or never want to. Everything that I’ve gone through with my depression has actually led me to this point. And that’s scary that I’ve allowed it to go this long.

 So, I’ve finally put my foot down and made my goals a journey

While I’ve set goals for myself before, I can admit that I allowed my depression to prevent me from pushing through. But now, looking back at it all, I realize that while they were reasonable goals, they weren’t the right ones for me at the time, and I wasn’t in the right mindset for them. And being in the right mindset is essential when making a huge change.

This is why I’m making this a journey. Understanding that to achieve my new goals, I have to allow myself to accept myself as a whole and say it’s okay to make a fool of myself, then get back up and try again.

Part of a self-discovery journey is knowing that you’re going to fail, that you’re going to make mistakes, that there’s going to be people who hate on you just because they can. Knowing that all of that can happen and you’re okay with it means that you’ve grown.

So, I’m finally ready to grow and accept all of those things.

Which is why I’ve bought a self-care planner, journals, and other tools

I’ve learned from all my failed goals that saying it within has less of an effect on you. Why? Because when you just say it, there’s no real bond or motivation to complete the goal. You allow outside forces to detour you from accomplishing anything. In my case, my depression has been a force that stopped me from being uncomfortable, and it has prevented me from experiencing that around me.

However, when you write it down, type it, and set reminders that you can see, you can’t help but see it every day.

So, I buckled down, bought myself my first self-care planner and vision board, dusted off my journals, and have started the process of finding myself, my authentic self. They always say, “don’t knock it until you try it.” And I think it’s my time to buckle down and try it.

I know that I’m not alone, and many others will be taking this same first step. I wish you all of the success in finding yourself.

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Until next time, this is Tammy say keep strong, keep positive. And NOTHING’s Impossible!!!