I’m a tomboy at heart still to this day. And thinking back to my childhood, I could remember every female in my life constantly trying their best to change me, make me more feminine. From the way, I dressed to the way I walked to the way I carried myself in public. But why? I never understood why it was so important for me to express that I was a female growing up. Was there something my Mom and other females knew that I didn’t? It was all a lot of work to fit into a set role. And honestly, I didn’t understand most of it.
As a little girl, I didn’t quite fit the norm of a girl role. From the age of 6 to 18, I’ve always been surrounded by a group of guys thanks to my older brother. I was the first girl born to my parents and until my younger sister came along, it was my brother and me for 6 years. The two of us were inseparable. He was my household playmate which I think was more one-sided than the friendly play between siblings. Let’s just say it was rougher on me than expected. From being dropped on my head as an infant to having one of my ponytails cut off to sharing our first beer together when I was around 4 years old behind the living room curtain at my parents’ party (he got punished for all the above), we had an interesting 6 years together.
And God bless my mom for trying her best to dress me in the prettiest dresses, putting me in the shiniest shoes and doing my hair. As an adult, I finally understood that she wasn’t doing it to be mean but only to give me an understanding of being feminine just as her mother and the ladies before her did. It wasn’t that I completely hated it. I did love the hair bows and ties. And the shoes weren’t that bad either. But between my mom and my brother, my brother was who I admired most. He was my role model and there was no one I wanted to be more like than him. And that meant trying to match his every step.
As I got older, I developed my own circle of friends with girls from school and the neighborhood. Of course, I couldn’t help but notice they were more girly than I was and into makeup and dressing to impress the little boys by the age of 12. But none of that really mattered to me. I mean I had my occasional crush here and there on boys in my school and one on my brother’s friends but all the other stuff just wasn’t for me. I was into playing video games, watching Transformers and G.I Joe after school, and by 14 I had become obsessed with watching sports (All sports). It was around this time that my passion for the Yankees had developed.
SportsCenter was my “best friend”. From the moment I woke up to get ready for school until bedtime, my tv barely left ESPN. I knew all 4 major sports, players, and their stats. I was a sports knowledge machine. Not so much now. I carried myself as a guy in public, going through my baggy jeans and big shirt with some Nike Air Force ones during my junior high and high school years. But as I look back on that time, I realize that it wasn’t easy for me. I was picked on a lot for dressing and acting the way I did. And not just from strangers but from family members as well. Talk about a self-esteem breaker.
I was made to feel as though I was wrong and the judgments quickly became a staple in my everyday living. I spent a lot of years watching as others including my mom would make suggestions, a lot of suggestions about my appearance. Always buying me something more girly or forcing me to dress that way. I just remember feeling so uncomfortable, miserable, and wondering what was wrong with me. Why am I not good enough the way I am?
But inside, I never had any thoughts of changing my appearance or stop liking the things I did because it was my comfort zone. It was what I liked. It was what I knew. And although the damage was done to my confidence, I had always thought it was pretty cool to stand in a group of guys and school them with the knowledge I had about video games and sports.
We spend so much time trying to place everyone into a certain mold that we don’t see the bigger picture. Who they truly are. It took me many years to understand that I was just being me during that time. I was still trying to find myself while testing a comfort zone during the times where we’re supposed to. And although it was not a great situation, I am grateful for all those who tried their best to change me. It only made me understand the gift of accepting those around me for who they are. That each person is unique and meeting their differences is a unique opportunity. You never know what gem you may uncover.
It took me some time to release some of my old tomboy ways. I no longer dress in baggy jeans and a big shirt but instead replaced them with skinny jeans (No dresses still) and more feminine shirts. I no longer climb fences or get dirty on purpose. Recently, I started to wear shoes just a little more rather than sneakers every day. And yes, I even started to experiment with makeup, the same makeup I used to say “yuck” to. But I still have my love for video games, Transformers and watching sports. That will never change.
Until next time this is Tammy saying keep strong, keep positive and nothing’s impossible!!!
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