Living with depression has been a challenge and something if given a choice, I wouldn’t have picked in a million years. Millions deal with some form of it whether it’s MDD, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, or other forms of mental illness. Depression is something that we’ll all experience in our lifetime. It’s a debilitating illness of the mind that can have some devastating effects on an individual as well as those around them. I never thought mines would last as long as it did or that I would be able to manage it the way I do now.
In 2007, I finally got the help that I needed and got myself a therapist. It was a huge turning point for me because before then I spent over 20 years in a negative headspace. And to finally hear that I wasn’t a freak, not normal or the list of other things I was called because I was misunderstood for not acting like others was a huge weight off my shoulders. I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) which meant for me that my depression lasted longer than the standard depressive state of mind for a person.
It impacted my mood and physical activities such as sleep, appetite, exercising, interacting with others, and daily task. I had always thought I had some type of depression growing up because I was a lot sadder, less motivated to move and interact than most. But to finally get that validation meant for me, that I was getting the help I desperately needed and that things were about to change for the better. I was no longer going to be a walking zombie going through life just waiting for it all to end.
I would spend the next 6 years after that day working on retraining my thoughts, feelings, and mindset using Cognitive Behavior therapy. And it was not easy to relive all the painful moments that put me in that state of mind to begin with. You see before then no one ever addressed my mental well being because I grew up in an era where that just wasn’t something that “existed”. It was like a taboo. And talking about it meant something was wrong with you and it was something that should never be talked about outside of the household or inside for that matter. At least that’s the way it was put across to me and I’m sure many others during those times.
I remember crying in silence for hours after school because I wasn’t accepted no matter how hard I tried to fit in. My parents’ advice was to laugh along with my bullies or stand up for myself which I did but it only made things worse. But I could sense it was more than just the bullying even though it did add heavily to how I approached life over the upcoming years. And as each year passed, I “perfected” my depression, hiding my pain from family and friends while silently suffering behind closed doors and trying to be more like others even though I wasn’t. Looking back at all that, I learned that was a common thing with those who suffer from depression. You hide that side of you from others. You put on a façade so that they don’t know what’s really going on with you. That you feel like you don’t matter or that you’re not worth living.
And when I wasn’t crying alone, I was inside my head a lot, feeding myself lines of self-hatred, self-doubt, and punishment because I didn’t fit in or that everything I tried in life was a failure, that I was a failure. I couldn’t think any other way or see a spot of happiness. As a person, I had just given up on life and felt that this was how it was supposed to be for me so just accept things as they are. Childhood and early adulthood just weren’t kind to me growing up in New York City. When you hear those say there’s a dark cloud hanging around them, there truly is one and it can be unforgiving when it comes to your mental mindset. I lived for that dark cloud at that time. It was what I was comfortable with and to me nothing or no one was going to change that.
So fast forward to today and it’s a completely different mindset. I no longer suffer with depression but rather live with it. It no longer consumes my life and the way I think. It took therapy to change my way of thinking about myself. And while it’s not gone, it never will be for me, I have the proper tools to manage it a lot better now than I did before. From a treatment plan that services as a checklist for my mental health to steps to help me through my anxiety and anger in different situations to numbers to call if things get too deep, I now have an arsenal of things to help me better cope through everyday life. And the best part about this new way of living for me is? Gone is the negative inner being that kept me down and here is the positive one that lifts me up. Like the good and bad angel on your shoulders, only I just have the positive angel who pulls me back from my old ways when I need her.
All the years of unorganized thoughts and feelings were finally organized for me. I had a better understanding of how this illness works. And I think the best part about understanding was learning and understanding my triggers. There are things in our lives that can spark bouts of depression. I didn’t quite understand what a trigger was growing up because to me, everything I had gone through mentally had flowed all together. And that’s how I, unfortunately, was trapped in this cycle of self-loathing and sadness. Each day was a depressing day for me because there were no breaks from the thoughts in my mind.
But now I know that such triggers as a death of someone I love, a drastic change in my life, the end of a friendship, and more recently the word, talk or thought of suicide just to name a few of mines can throw me into a deep depression. While everything I learned in therapy can’t stop this from happening, it does help and stop me from harming myself and serves as a form of comfort.
So some of you are probably wondering what it’s like on the other side? What’s it like to live with depression and not suffer from it? And honestly, it’s one of the hardest full-time jobs I’ve ever had. It is a continuous battle of managing your thoughts because let’s face it, as humans we tend to think negatively. So my mind is constantly restructuring the negative thoughts both from myself and others towards me. It’s maintaining a balance mentally so that I don’t revert back to my old ways of thinking. It’s taking in others ways of thinking and understanding that the majority of the time it’s not always directed at me or as it may seem. It’s finding a sense of peace within myself on those days that can prove to be difficult.
It’s also about seeing a positive side to a negative so that I don’t fall into a self-loathing trap. And that’s something that I wish I had a long time ago. But it’s also about some physical things like I started to exercise more and I’m trying to eat better. Sleep is also important towards maintaining a healthier mind although I’ve always struggled with that due to my insomnia. And now I’m pushing myself to get out of the house and do things more. So it’s not just the mental but also the physical combined.
All these coincide with a strong support system and support is vital for someone dealing with any type of mental illness no matter how mild or severe. I’ve had 2 key support systems in my life and recently a friend of mines asked me about 1 of them. My mom had always been my biggest support system no matter what. She knew me like no other and when I needed her she was always there to listen which is another key factor. I thought that was all I needed. But in 2001, I found the biggest and another important support system that I never expected. Watching MTV that year, I came across a video for the song “In the End” and it was by the band, Linkin Park. I’ve always been a huge fan of all music and I still am for the most part but the day I found them, I didn’t expect that I would be on a 20-year journey of having this band and their music forever in my corner.
What made me gravitate towards them from day 1 was that their words described everything I was feeling and thinking during those times. They understood me without even knowing me and I wasn’t alone. From that point on, I drowned myself into their music on those depressing days, and in a way, it calmed me. Chester Bennington’s voice portrayed the words I was too scared to say. Now for all those who know this band, from day 1 they’ve always shared themselves with their fanbase whether that was live videos on their website, Vlogs, and of course LPU Meet & Greets. They rarely distanced themselves from the fans and they’ve embraced so many of us. So you can see why I grabbed on tight and never let go.
Their concerts became my safe haven, their videos became my happiness and positive light and their songs became my words, comfort, and the hug I needed. They gave me a place finally where I belonged. And 20 years after finding them on MTV and just a year after the tragic loss of Chester in 2017 who lived with his own mental illness, it all came full circle when in 2018 I got the chance to meet Mike Shinoda and finally thank him for being there for me all those years. They are very important to me because the days where my depression was too much to handle, they gave me the hope I needed to get through. I know that sounds crazy but I’ve learned that support comes from a variety of places. And while both them and my mother are no longer, I carry them all tattooed on my arms as a reminder that they’re still there to help me.
So that’s why support is important and a part of managing my depression. Of course, my support has changed which I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog. They have been added to the list of people who believe in me and I continue to have someone to talk to when I need a step up from the darkness. So as you can see a lot goes into maintaining my living with depression. I rely on myself most of the time to continue to stay in a positive environment as much as possible. And each day I’m learning to accept myself and this new energy I have developed. I still have a long way to go. I still relapse and have long periods of self-loathing. I still have my moments of crying in silence. But this journey is far from over. I am a work in progress. To reflect on then and now, to see the changes and to no longer suffer but live with depression, I’m glad to say I’m on the right path.
While everyone’s journey is different, the end result should be that you do matter, you are important and help is out there. You don’t have to suffer from this and you don’t have to do it alone. There can be a silver lining. The first step towards that is to ask for help. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to say today that I have smiled more in the past 7 years than I did in that lifetime before. I’ll see you on the brighter side.
Until next time this is Tammy saying keep strong, keep positive and nothing is impossible!!!
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from PexelsPhoto by Pixaby
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